If you think that you have just one life, think again. There's the life you think you have, the life others think you have and the life you really have- three lives!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Again

It's my birthday today. A big one- one of those ones with a zero on the end- you can guess.

Usually I look forward to my birthday. We have a bit of a tradition where we make a big fuss over birthdays and celebrate in the lead up.

Not this year.

I'll remember this birthday because for the past 5 weeks (has it really been that long?) my husband and I have not spoken, have not touched, have not said more than 2 words to eachother. It's started again and this time I don't think it's going to end in reconciliation or resolution- it never does actually- but this time I know that there is nothing more that I can do.

I've said before that my relationship has been strained and that last year I resolved to just accept the fact that we don't really share an intellectual or emotional intimacy. I was happy with that I guess- or maybe I was just fooling myself.

What does it mean to say "I don't love you anymore"?
It means that I have failed- again.
It means that I once loved you- but somehow that love got lost and I can't seem to find it. I don't know where it went and I haven't been able to hold on to it.
It means that I've finally faced up to the fact that love is not enough. All those romantic notions we had of how our love was strong enough to break cultural divides, transcend differences, live on forever- it was all bullshit.
It means that I'm not strong enough, not able to cope with the constant cycle of good and bad. One day I'm perfect- your dream wife and the next it seems like I'm everything you don't want.
It means that I can't make you happy- I tried but I just can't.
It means that I can't be who you want or need me to be and you can't accept me as I am.

13 comments:

Egypeter said...

Kola sana wa intee tayiba ya gameela :)

howie said...

TUS-

I am sure the story is much more complicated, but one line I have to respond to "I failed again".

I have long noted to folk..."you have great control over your behavior, but very little control over what you feel".

When one tries to alter their behavior, but requeset emotion does not follow...then it can become much like Paul Simons "Dangling Conversation".

After the powerfully sexual years (in my case age 8-55 and counting), I am less and less of a believer in "eros" love and much more concerned about pathos, agape, and some of that other Greek food.

I do know marriages go through cycles...and don't know of any that are storybook romances of years of gazing into each others glaucomic, bloodshot and watery eyes. There are always hard times brought on by our behavior, our spouses behavior, the behavior of outsiders or acts of God.

When is it really "over". I guess when things consistently, over time, are miserable and all genuine attempts at reconilliation become futile.

You can't make anybody happy though. What mistaken thinking that is. You certain can enhance somebody's joy and, ironically, you can certianly make somebody miserable.

If I knew more of the dynamic, I would add more. Hope all goes well. You seem like a very interesting lady.

Sam said...

Happy birthday! i hate those end with 0 birhtdays...i have one coming up in 9 years and im not looking forward to it! sorry to hear about your marriage issues, i hope it can be resolved soon..

Carmen said...

Happy birthday!

Will E. said...

hmm, Why does everyone say happy birthday? I thought it was established in the post that it's not a 'happy' birthday. The things people take for granted like a word, like a phrase even a partner in life..

I think that's when people lose their emotions towards something when it's taken for granted. The trouble is that history affects emotions as well, when people have been through a lot it acts as a barrier that shields them from feeling how they used to feel, they just can't feel the same after a while. They have to start again if they want to go on.

Sorry for going on like this, but I was moved by the post, it always distresses me when something like this happens, and usually it's when people don't put aside their pride that love dissolves..

Birthday TUS..

Egyptian Kangaroo said...

Hey Happy Birthday. All the best and hope all goes well for you. Hang in there and keep at it. It will all be ok.
cheers

howie said...

http://www.mideastyouth.com/2007/03/31/liberal-bahraini-author-expresses-amazing-views/

Mumbo Jumbo said...

Hang in there, US. Hope this is just one of those phases where we think our life is crumbling, and somehow it passes and there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Cheer up and happy _0th!

The Raccoon said...

A birthday's just a number, sis. All same-same.

And people change. Situations change. Emotions change. It is no failing of yours, but rather the way things are (praise Eris!).

I am sorry you're unhappy, though. Here's to hoping this will soon (also) change!

The Raccoon said...

PS

Just in case you need some cheering up...

kinzi said...

TUS, I will be praying for you!!! I'll send an email too, since it will be TOO long for a comment!

In a word...dont' give up yet. Any may God surprise you with some glimmer of hope you the anniversary of the day He smiled on the world and presented you to earth.

HalalHippie said...

- or maybe it's the start of a fourth life ?

The Usual Suspect said...

Thanks everyone for your happy wishes and birthday cheers.

Despite it all I did have a great birthday thanks to 40 or so friends who made it a very special night.